Starting this journal has turned my focus within and that journey with self has been a bit rough. The busyness of life has not given me enough time to process all of what we’ve been through this past year. I am writing this at midnight as it seems to be the only time for me. I have no life outside of cooking,
cleaning, laundering, driving into town for medical appointments, together with the Inhibitors,research,lifescience,medical constant focus on how my partner is doing. I sometimes feel very lonely living in this little ‘world’ of ours. Although receiving company is good for us, sometimes I don’t want to see anyone. I try to be the best person I can be, but sometimes it is hard to find the strength to do that .I am looking forward to seeing an old friend for coffee tomorrow, who has kind of been through the same thing. It will be good to talk to her. Our son Inhibitors,research,lifescience,medical is coming down to take care of my partner so I do not have to worry. I still feel guilty though, for leaving him. But I know I need time for myself. I am having more difficulty now than I have over the past few months. My mood depends on how my partner is doing. I am tired; I need a break. I am losing Inhibitors,research,lifescience,medical my grip on my future; the unknown scares me and hangs
over my head . Everyone says to live one day at a time but it is hard when your mind is racing with all the things to do, in addition to being constantly reminded that there is no hope; it is overwhelming. My support person is dying – I just want to be able to fix things and that’s not going to happen . I want my old life Inhibitors,research,lifescience,medical back. I am trying to adjust to a new “normal” but it is hard to find the balance; I know I am very vulnerable right now. My feelings
are raw. The kind of approach I currently have is “to hope against hope”, meaning you keep hoping even though there is no hope for a cure . Inhibitors,research,lifescience,medical I try to focus on living life to the fullest more than on dying. I am committed to my partner and he won’t go through this alone as long as I can dare these PDK4 sore tired feet to carry me that extra mile. I need to be strong for him. Somehow, even a tiny bit of faith will get me through each day when I’m feeling low. Sunny and warm weather helps our moods. I am grateful for my family and friends. When there is laughter, that gives me hope. When we see our beautiful grandchildren, they give me hope. I guess I need to look for hope every day check details because it is the one part of the disease that I can control, unlike how the cancer progresses – that is a challenge as we wish we could do something about that the most. But I can choose to hope. There may be light at the back of the tunnel yet – every once in a while it sneaks in when I’m not looking.